Go with the flow

Updated: Feb 28, 2019

Life is such a teaching process that she takes care to put on our way the people and events we have to encounter to evolve. Should we follow the heart or should we go for the mind? And there we are, the conflict between heart and mind starts to show up. But what if our interpretation of reality is missing a link. What if the relation between the alignment of emotions and thoughts is essential to shape our reality?

In 2011 I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Today while I’m writing this story, I am completely symptom-free, and I would describe myself to be in the best shape of my life. Together with Nora, we are on this travel we always dreamed about but never dared to go for. Thanks to all the challenges life provided us, we were able to shake some of our limiting beliefs, and we got the opportunity to do what we are doing today. But there was also a lot of physical and mental suffering involved in the last years before we arrived where we are today.

Iron Jack our hero with his dog Jaquaan

It’s hard to define where all my suffering started precisely. Health issues were a loyal companion already during my youth. I would describe myself as a happy child that grew up with fantastic and all accepting parents looking after my sisters and me. As a child and teenager, I was asking myself a lot of questions. In a way, I always felt dependent from my parents and from the other people in my environment to function correctly. But I still pushed myself in order not to appear or admit being dependent. I was, and I am idealistic, perfectionist and I expect a lot of myself and I wanted, to please everyone at any price. Jumping from one sickness to another during my youth, my speaking body tried to tell me something all these years, but I never listened.

Until December 2011, where I couldn’t avoid his signals anymore. I had some difficulties, to finish my bachelor thesis. It took me longer and longer, I lost myself in more and more details, without actually having something on the paper. Additional stress arrived due to the upcoming exams for the master studies and due to the Christmas business which started to roll on in the HI-FI store where I was working at the same time. After a weekend with some friends, where we drank a lot of alcohol and had physical stress, I started to lose control of my body. I couldn’t speak correctly, I felt dizzy, and a feeling of numbness started to spread out in my right hand. I learned later on that the medical term for this numbness feeling is tingling paresthesia. This paresthesia began to grow over my whole body, slowly but steady. I went to the hospital. “Oh the boy had to much stress, a little pill will help” said the doctor from the emergency room in the hospital from our small town. Without further examination, he sent me back home and told me to take a good night of rest with the pill he gave me. 24h later, my whole right arm was numb and partly paralysed, and the paresthesia started to spread intensely over my left arm as well. We went back for an emergency appointment with the Neurologist to make some CT scans to have further clarification. I can still see the scenery very vividly, an old guy with round glasses is waiting for us in his old office, the walls full of old books like you would expect it from an English movie scene. He couldn’t really explain what was happening, but he made some suppositions; I could have multiple sclerosis. But to invest further, I had to go to a much bigger University hospital in Germany. When I arrived in front of the German hospital, an impressive scene was pictured in front of me. A massive complex with all kind of tubes sticking out from the building and vapour was going up in the sky on this cold evening. The hospital looked more like a power plant I was studying in my courses.

At this time, I had to tell my Boss from the Hifi store and my professor, that I had to be hospitalised for a while. I felt like I was losing the control over my life; there was so much I had to do. Mentally I was dead serious, I couldn’t get sick right now. But deep inside of me without saying it out loud and understanding it consciously, it felt like a relief. As if the symptoms saved me from further damage my mind would do to me. The first weeks, of going from examination to examination and living in the unknown made me feel less optimistic for a positive outcome and more and more frightened. My mother visited me as much as she could, and together we were playing doctor google. We were trying to solve the riddle a bit faster and not wait for the doctors to come up with something.

After 2 weeks of hospitalisation, the paresthesia took over my whole body. From the tips of my fingers up to my throat and down to my knees turning partly even into paralysis. I couldn't work on my bachelor thesis anymore while writing on the computer. Even under this circumstances, I couldn't let go and just concentrate on healing. I had the impression I was losing time. I was in complete aversion to what was actually happening to me. When the anxiety and the long time waiting, thoroughly boiled me I felt really weak, mentally and